


and she put her hand on my chest and we did not speak

by majesdane



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-04
Updated: 2011-04-04
Packaged: 2017-10-17 14:34:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/177878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>There's lots of things I'm scared of, Emily says.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	and she put her hand on my chest and we did not speak

**one.**

she isn't sure how it ends, but she knows how it starts.

it starts with a look, once when they're on the plane and emily's half asleep, exhausted from the case. when she's working, she finds it hard to sleep; she gets so wound up trying to put everything together that she can't slow down for even a second. so she looks across the seats at the same time jj looks up and their eyes meet and emily knows it's probably just the haze of sleep, but she thinks, _oh_.

but it's not just that; there are a hundred tiny moments all strung together before that one look. and there are a hundred more that follow, until finally jj, in the break room says, _i don't know what's going on here_ , and emily just kisses her. just like that.

later, she's glad that it was late at night, because really, anyone could have seen them. but at the time, she's not thinking about that. she's thinking about jj's face in her hands and the tiny little sound of surprise jj makes right when emily kisses her. _oh._ she's only thinking about how when she kisses jj, jj kisses _back._

 _oh_ , jj says, blushing a little, and emily feels a tiny bit like swooning.

and that's how it starts.

(but that isn't how it ends.)

  
 **two.**

 _so you're going after all._

 _yeah. i'm sorry._

 _so, it can't be stopped? the pentagon doesn't need you, jen. tell them to find someone else._

 _i can't. it's just the way things are._

  
 **three.**

she laces their fingers together. under the conference room table. waiting in line for coffee at a starbucks, blocks and miles and years and lifetimes away from the bau. sitting on the plane, when everyone else has fallen asleep and the lights of the city down below mirror the stars. in chicago, on a case. in the car. across the seats. one hand on top of her own on top of the gear shift.

 _it's not so far. only an hour or so._

 _yeah, but it won't be the same._

she laces their fingers together and wishes that she was strong enough to hold on. to pull jj towards her, to ground her, to keep her and make her stay. what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? that's the trick; they can't exist at the same time. she can't exist in the same place that jj exists, can't exist where jj and this job and will and henry exist.

she is the object. and she has to get out of the way.

  
 **four.**

 _you're fearless._

 _no._

 _yes, you are. i mean, i have a fear of a lot of things. like the woods. and dogs. but you, you aren't scared of anything._

 _there's lots of things i'm scared of_ , emily says.

(like the future, she thinks, but doesn't say it. like us. like you leaving.)

instead she says, _you keep me from being afraid of things._

 _liar_ , jj says, but grins anyway and presses emily to the bed with a kiss so gentle that emily feels like she's made of glass. she wraps her arms around jj's waist, squeezes tightly, tries not to think too much about how the light kisses jj presses to her collarbone leave her feeling completely undone.

there are lots of things she's afraid of.

  
 **five.**

we shouldn't be doing this, she thinks, even as she pushes jj up against the storage room wall and kisses her breathlessly. sometimes her body moves of its own accord. sometimes she thinks that she has no real will at all. her arms are moved by strings held and conducted by her heart, when she takes jj's hands in her own and pins them up above their heads, against the wall. kisses jj until both of their lips are bruised. her lungs ache for air.

jj laughs into her mouth and it's the sweetest thing emily knows.

and they shouldn't be doing this.

there are a lot of reasons why.

but none of them seem good enough, for some reason.

 _such a good kisser._ a wide smile. another laugh. hands tangled in her hair. a leg wrapped around her waist. a kiss pressed to the side of her mouth. _that's why i always liked you best._

(it wasn't enough to keep you here, though, emily thinks and feels like crying.)

  
 **six.**

the space between them feel enormous.

she could just call. it wouldn't be so hard. and barring that, she could always just send an email. something quick and pointless. _hi, just wanted to see how you are. thought maybe we could get together again sometime._ it would be so easy, so simple. but in her mind, she can see herself dissolving. _it's not the same without you anymore. i need you. i miss you. things aren't right here, haven't been since you've been gone._

nine days go by.

finally she leaves a message on jj's voice mail, calls when she knows jj won't be able to answer. _hi. can we meet up again sometime?_ it's almost all she can manage. she feels her throat close up and her heart sinks to the bottom of her stomach. waves of acid washing up and over it. burning a hole right through.

jj calls her back almost an hour later. emily stares at her phone and watches it ring once, twice, three times. she almost lets it go to voice mail, but in the end, she grabs at the phone and punches the _answer_ button, because truthfully, it's been more than a week since she's heard jj's voice, and that's really much too long.

the voice on the other end is sweet and light and teasing. _miss me?_

too much, emily thinks.

 _not at all_ , she says.

  
 **seven.**

 _come on_ , jj says, with a slight smile. kisses emily's fingertips. one by one by one. _it's not so bad. you're the brave one, remember? fearless._

emily almost says, _not when it comes to you_ , but she can't, because she's not like that. she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve. she doesn't like to let anyone get too close -- and if they do, she doesn't like to admit it. so instead she just rolls her eyes and flips jj's hand in her own, kisses jj's wrist, works her way up to jj's elbow.

and emily loves the way jj giggles and tries to twist free.

(loves the way she doesn't really know just how much it hurts to have her gone.)

 _can you stay this time?_

 _for a bit_ jj says, kissing her with a smile. _for a bit._


End file.
